


A Simple Decision

by shadowsong26



Series: Miscellaneous One Shots [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: (very slight but it's there), Crossposted from Dreamwidth, Gen, accordingly some implied/background kalluzeb, also: cw for some somewhat self-destructive thoughts/thought patterns, and a look into the internal process of defection, and some oblique references to past war/violence/war crimes/etc., another character study, this is...not a happy time in alex's head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28208046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsong26/pseuds/shadowsong26
Summary: He has never been one to believe in absolution; but some things, once uncovered, cannot be reburied. Some things, once learned, cannot be unknown. All that remains is deciding what to do with it.
Series: Miscellaneous One Shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2066331
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	A Simple Decision

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Dreamwidth on 6/19/20; in response to a prompt meme; the prompt in question was "Absolve; Star Wars."

It’s a simple decision, really.

He has done what--he has followed the advice he was given, and some things, once uncovered, cannot be reburied. Some facts, once learned, cannot be unknown.

It _is_ a simple thing, from that perspective. He has always believed in honor, and justice. The problem is, the people and institutions he trusted to uphold those same ideas had--

Well.

But just as he can no longer ignore the basic facts of the situation, he cannot stop himself from following things through to their logical conclusion.

He always was very good at following a thread.

And this one leads to _his_ role in all of it.

Another thing he knows he cannot ignore.

He _could,_ perhaps, lie to himself--like he’s lied to so many people, over the course of his career--remind himself that he was unaware, that he _thought_ what he was doing was for the best, was worth the blood on his hands.

Or he could bury himself in it--the grief and the guilt. Easy enough to do. Some things cannot be forgiven, he knows that. Atonement can only go so far, and he’s never been one to believe in absolution.

At the same time, he _can’t_ do either of those things. Lying to himself would just trap him in the same cage he’s only _just_ unlocked.

And he wouldn’t be the intelligence operative he was if he hadn’t learned to compartmentalize, to lock away his personal feelings for the sake of the mission. Even if he’d never--quite--done it on this sort of scale before.

So, back to the decision then.

He has pulled on all the right threads; he has all the information he needs now--all that remains is deciding what to do with it.

And, the more he thinks about it, the simpler the decision becomes.

He knows the odds. He wouldn’t be where he was if he didn’t. He’s handled double agents before, not to mention spending some time on short-term undercover assignments himself. Of course, he won’t have a handler, or any sort of backup, if he does this.

But he has certain skills he can offer. _Access_ he can offer. Knowing what he knows now, honor and justice and _duty_ require nothing less of him.

He’s reasonably certain he can manage six months. He’s aware that he’ll be lucky if he survives a year. He _knows_ that any longer is--out of the question.

Another fact he cannot ignore.

But, on the other hand, agents aren’t encouraged to socialize, so it isn’t as though he has any friends to betray.

His sister can talk her way out of whatever corner his choices put her in. And, loathe as he is to give her any credit, he doubts even the full might of ISB could harm her sons, when she’s fully focused on protecting them. Collateral from that quarter is, therefore, unlikely.

All he’s really risking is himself.

And while he doesn’t believe in absolution, he does still believe in honor, and justice. He may never fully make peace with himself and the things he’s done, but he may find some measure of atonement. He has, at the very least, found a place to start.

In the end, it really _is_ as simple as that.

He takes a moment to close his eyes, bask in the dim golden glow of the meteorite, in its new home on the shelf in his quarters.

Then he opens them, locks away any--feelings--that might remain, and begins to plot out the best way to contact the Alliance.

**Author's Note:**

> Those of you who know me may be Aware of this already, but I have a fondness for double-agents and defectors, and the thought process that goes into what is actually not necessarily a simple decision, when you're in the middle of it. Naturally, I'm pretty fond of Kallus, lol. And then I got this prompt, and it was an excuse to write this, and here we are.
> 
> ((Also, the sister and nephews in question are OCs of mine, because when I get Invested in a character with no established canon backstory/family/etc...))
> 
> As I mentioned yesterday, I haven't forgotten the next chapter of _Precipice_ (I'm shooting for tomorrow fingers crossed?), but I've decided to crosspost a bunch of oneshots because Why Not.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one, thanks for stopping by, and I'll see you next time! ~~<3 shadowsong
> 
> also it is completely contrary to the tone of this fic but i almost added this tag because i love the joke: "aka on a scale of kallus to javert how well do you handle having your prior beliefs about law and order shattered by a distressingly hot outlaw" okay i'm done


End file.
